Day 77 - Closed

[individuates]

Who: Kaoru Hitachiin and Seimei
Status: Closed ._.
When: Day 77
Where: Seimei's pad.
What: Worried Kaoru is worried, and stalks follows Seimei back home.
Style: Action
Warnings: Nope?

[Once the discussions end, Kaoru slips away again, making his way in the the same direction Seimei had gone. His attention was probably completely unwanted, but... Seimei had seemed so troubled when he had left. Kaoru couldn't just stand by and leave him to it. So here he was, trailing after as usual. He was always the one following behind like a lost puppy. Did that make him the kind of person who could only survive by attached himself to someone else? Wasn't that just futile, given how this place had already proved how fragile these attachments could be?

But this wasn't about him and his issues. Kaoru was just worried. He just wanted to check in - even if Seimei told him to leave, at least Kaoru would have tried. And even if Kaoru couldn't help... at least he could listen. That counted for something, didn't it?

He hesitated, approaching Seimei's lean-to, and called before he had a chance to change his mind-]

Seimei-san? Seimei-san. [He admonishes himself quietly. He can't help it, it's still a little weird to drop the honorific when addressing an elder] ...Seimei, are you there?

Comments

[yinyangfox]

[ He had been opening his mouth to reply, to say something of worth. Of consequence. His ability to speak flees the moment Kaoru grasps his hands. One corner of his mouth twitches, eyes drifting slowly down to stare uncomprehending.

Eventually his tongue darts out, dampening lips that suddenly feel dry. He doesn't notice the color creeping into his face, turning his ears a rosy color.

The onmyoji's head ducks briefly as he struggles to understand what was happening, when Kaoru's words really sink in, along with a dose of terror he hadn't even realized he could feel.

He had never wanted to be human. Normal, yes. Normal enough to pass for human. Yet he had always loved what he was, loved his connection to otherworldly things and places, valued his heritage and the things he shared with his mother.
The idea of being human, of being nothing special and no one of consequence, is frightening. Not after leading an extraordinary life.

What good was Seimei to anyone, then?

Kaoru could feel the tension in the onmyoji's body radiating through their physical connection. His hands were tense, his body trembled and those wide, dark eyes spoke volumes. To be cut off from his magic was to Seimei what losing his hands would be to Kaoru. ]

Alone or with someone, Kaoru... [ He says, barely above a whisper. ] ...I do not know what to do. There is nothing wrong...with being human. But to suddenly be something you absolutely are not, and have never been in your heart...Birds that cannot fly have been known to die of grief. What do I do without my wings?

[individuates]

[his smile falters and dims a little but it's as though it has retreated back, actually reaching his eyes this time. He dips his head slightly too, as if wanting to let Seimei catch it]

Build new ones, Seimei. That's what humans do. Concentrate on what you have, what you can do now, and use it.

[Hands tightening around Seimei's, he gives them a gentle tug]

Let me be clear, though, that is not just what you are. You are not like me; being human is just a part of you. Parts of your identity aren't... they're can't just be taken away from you arbitrarily, no more than you can put them down and walk away from them yourself. You may have lost a little of your power but you have lost none of your identity.

[yinyangfox]

[ The onmyoji jumps a little at the squeeze, eyes widening ever more as his heart flutters in his chest. Such contact was more than he was used to. The closest he'd ever been to anyone before that was when he was treating someone...or when Hiromasa held him right before he fell unconscious and woke up in this place.

Swallowing audibly, Seimei forces himself to inhale, the breath a soft sob. Kaoru's words were honest and kind, yet they highlighted another point. He had indeed lost art of his identity when he was separated from his only friend. He had sacrificed someone else's life in order to save Hiromasa from death; Hiromasa was the first person he had wept over since his mother and father had gone, and so far as he knew, they only person that had ever wept for him in turn.

Despite the sudden tidal wave of renewed fear that crashed against the shores of sensibility, Seimei's lips twitched into a weak smile. Dark eyes were fixed on the hands gripping his own - hands anchoring him.

Tension slowly seeped out, and the onmyoji's hands relaxed a fraction as his eyes closed, a long sigh passing parted lips, shoulders sagging wearily. ]

I beg your forgiveness, Kaoru, for burdening you with this. Before...before I arrived here I had only just begun to reidentify myself. I suppose I did not realize how much the loss of Hiromasa would affect me... [ He trailed off for a moment, eyes drifting sidelong as memories shored up, pain evident in his face with the name spoken aloud. ]

The most human part of me was someone else.

Before Hiromasa I had always accepted that I might someday die, and it would be old, alone and unloved. A friend, a real friend, meant I would not. And now...it frightens me to return to such a dismal truth. I am not equipped with the things so many humans have that make them so personal and readily able to connect.

I am afraid, Kaoru. And my one refuge has always been my magic...which seems to have fled me.

[ Another inhale and sigh, eyes tilting up while his head stayed down. ]

What if I am only as important as my magic makes me?

[individuates]

There's no need to apologise... [He may not look it, but he has broad shoulders. Kaoru knows how it is - they all know how it is - to have the ground crumble away beneath their feet. To lose what had once supported and directed their steps. His thumbs sweep briefly across Seimei's hands, once forward, once back.]

When I talked to Rin-chan the other day... we ended up talking about strength. Something that she said made me think - that she was twice as tough as any demon because of all the... [Uh. He carefully censors that word] difficulties she's gone through. Twice as much as any demon. I said - and I've thought about it since and still think so now - that perhaps it was because of her human side that she grew more resilient. It's our nature for us, when we suffer pain or loss or fear or adversity, to strive and grow stronger and go forwards. And however it may feel right now, Seimei, you are going forwards, not backwards.

There are already people here who respect you and care about you for more than just your skills - so what's this "as important as your magic makes you"? [he hums softly under his breath] It's a redundant measure in this place with its own rules. So discard it.

[he hesitates for a few moments]

...what are you thinking - what are you feeling - when you sigh like that?

[yinyangfox]

[ So much wisdom, from people Seimei had less than a year ago had avoided as ignorant and incapable of intellect comparable to his own. Not out of arrogance, but out of fear. Humans destroyed things they didn't understand and yet here was another one trying to connect with him. He wondered briefly what his mother would have said, she who risked everything to be with a human.

Strength, Kaoru preached. Find it in yourself. And suggesting that his strength was the human in him, not the kitsune, made the onmyoji smirk faintly.

Then the thumbs on his hands made his skin of his arms tingle, gooseflesh rising rapidly, making him grateful for his voluminous sleeves. ]

Hm? [ He mumbled distractedly, flicking his eyes back up to Kaoru's face as the question sank in, distracting him from pulling his hands away as he had thought to do, officially making it the longest physical contact in his entire adult life. ]

Defeat, sometimes. Relief, others. Sometimes one in the same, making it a surrender, I suppose.

Right now...acceptance. I will, of course, survive this. Humans struggle, always, for everything. Nothing is ever easy or simple for them. You are right, that my strength no doubt comes from that part of me. You shame me, Kaoru. I am being so childish...

[individuates]

[Kaoru just smiles a little at all he has to say] Human, human, human and human. It may only feel like bad things right now, but there are good things too, right? And maybe in feeling these things... you can still carry a little bit of him with you?

[a slight chuckle] Childish? No I just had all my meltdowns a lot earlier. [it's about time he did his share of bucking up, really...]

[yinyangfox]

I am so used to traveling through life in a perpetual state of calm. [ He remarks, clearing his throat softly and gently extricating his hands from Kaoru's, cheeks pink as he turns to the side and tucks his palms into his sleeves. ]

I did not realize these feelings were creeping up on me. Mounting pressure was crushing my reason and crippling me with doubt. Likely I will continue to slip into these moments of fear...but I suppose that is simply the task at hand, dealing with one's humanity. Perhaps I should take this from another angle, change my perspective and find pleasure in exploring an aspect of myself that has forever been overshadowed by the yokai in me?

Thank you...Kaoru. I did not really know that I needed to speak to anyone.

[individuates]

[Kaoru lets Seimei pull away with a small smile, and starts them walking again, gently throwing back Seimei's own words from several days earlier]

A delightful pastime? Or a frightening challenge?

[yinyangfox]

[ eyebrows shoot up, lips pursing in an O before laughter tumbled out, the last of the tension trickling away. ]

Oh, very clever, my friend. Very clever indeed. How about "yes"? Certainly both. I suppose anything worth doing is never one dimensional.

[individuates]

[he gives an easy laugh, slipping his hands in his pockets] Well, I wish you luck, then~! [his own delightful challenge is waiting for him at home. Not so much as a wobble yet, but then he has no idea how long it's going to take]

By the way, speaking of challenges. I wanted to ask you. About those sleeves of yours...

[yinyangfox]

Hm? Yes? What about them? [ He asks, tilting his head slightly. It didn't occur that Kaoru might be referring to the frayed edges and and fading designs. Considering how no one else wore sleeves like his, he imagined it was something to do with the excessive size. ]

Ah yes, the egg. I should write you another warming charm to make certain it keeps well. [ Of course he doesn't care to mention the added enchantment to assist in Kaoru's sleeping, like a gentle sedative. ]

[individuates]

You should let me fix them up sometime. In fact, I might be able to make you something new, if you can stand the possibility of losing the entire layer... [He's no genius - he can't really replicate the clothing from scratch and so he needs a template of some sort to do it. He'd have to take the layer apart to figure out a pattern, how much fabric he might need, and there was no guarantee of him being able to piece it back together exactly how it was. But the sacrifice of one item would mean endless possibilities for more. The only limitation would be the time it would take for Kaoru to execute the designs]

[he pouts slightly] I would be able to work a lot faster with a sewing machine, it's time-consuming, piecing stuff together by hand. If I were a lazier person I might have been swayed to vote for electricty...

[yinyangfox]

[ Cheeks puff briefly as forming words fell apart when the state of his clothing as called into question. He fell silent a moment, uncertain how to respond. Embarrassment flooded his face as he looked away and nodded. ]

I suppose there is little purpose in keeping it, if it is so threadbare as to draw attention.

[individuates]

[teasingly] Only to an expert, Seimei-san~! I wouldn't have known, but since I was close enough to hold your hands, I saw all I needed to see.

[yinyangfox]

[ And then he was reminded of their impropriety. Cheeks colored again and he turned even further to the side, tessen suddenly in his hand, snapped open and covering most of his face. ]

Of course. Then I will defer to your expertise in the matter.

[individuates]

[if anything, that makes the smile even wider. Impropriety, you say? Pah!]

I can see how red you are, Seimei. Stop trying and failing to hide from me.

[yinyangfox]

[ Shoulders twitched, eyes drifted to the side and Seimei fanned himself lightly. Why...why on earth would anyone point that out? It was unheard of! Politeness dictated...ah, but they were from different worlds entirely. ]

I....I am not hiding anything.

[individuates]

Oh no? [that voice certainly carries a good deal of suppressed mirth. Hold it together, Kaoru. If you start laughing like an idiot, that's just gonna make Seimei feel worse. He conposes himself before asking as innocently as possible- ]

Why, what's that behind your fan, then?

[yinyangfox]

My fac--ah, I see what you mean... [ He murmured, lowering the fan slowly. He had at least schooled his expression to something less telling. Only just, however. ]

I apologize. It is...only that in my time. We - people - do not usually touch one another so casually.

[individuates]

[he raises an eyebrow slightly at that. Yes, some people in Kaoru's life - he can think of one in particular - are very free with their touches, but Kaoru himself is not one of them, at least not with strangers. He touches the people he cares for or feels protective over. If he's not particularly bothered about someone he generally keeps his hands to himself. Thus far, Rin, Tama-chan, and now Seimei are the lucky few.]

[Anyhow. He flashes a grin] Yes, your face. Precisely my point.

Well, in mine we don't wear so many layers or carry fans to hide behind.

[yinyangfox]

It is the fashion of Kyoto! [ He protests almost indignantly. ]

The Mikado, or women of status, wear even more layers. I happen to dress unseasonably light. However...considering how everyone else dresses, and the need to conserve supplies...

[ The onmyoji shifts uncomfortably, looking down at his sleeves, then up at Kaoru. ]

Is there a middle ground?

[individuates]

[raising his hands defensively] I know, I know, and I don't have a problem with it, well not much anyway, I mean it's a perfectly fine way to dress if you're from as far back in the past as you are, but yes, considering supplies are limited...

...we may have to negotiate a little.

[yinyangfox]

I do not think I could dress as the others, or you. Could...is there. [ He huffs a faint sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. ]

Is there a way to maintain the core elements of the noshi? Maybe not six layers but...at least something familiar?

[individuates]

We can discuss it. The main thing is that at least the lowest layer, you could probably do with multiples of, right? At least a pair, so you can wash one and wear the other. As for the rest... I may not be able to manage all the layers, but the ones I can... they`ll take up a lot of fabric, but not all of it will suffer wear-and-tear. So how about when you`re done with them, you bring them back to me to repurpose into something else?

Not that I`m a fan of recycling but it would be better than just throwing them away.

[yinyangfox]

I could dress in peasant fashion. [ He remarks with a sniff and sigh, long suffering surrender to the inevitability of compromise. ]

Considerably less layers. More freedom of movement. It is simply more practical. I can wear it if I must. If it is simpler for you I will do so, and you may use my robes now as material for what you need.