Day 77 - Closed

[individuates]

Who: Kaoru Hitachiin and Seimei
Status: Closed ._.
When: Day 77
Where: Seimei's pad.
What: Worried Kaoru is worried, and stalks follows Seimei back home.
Style: Action
Warnings: Nope?

[Once the discussions end, Kaoru slips away again, making his way in the the same direction Seimei had gone. His attention was probably completely unwanted, but... Seimei had seemed so troubled when he had left. Kaoru couldn't just stand by and leave him to it. So here he was, trailing after as usual. He was always the one following behind like a lost puppy. Did that make him the kind of person who could only survive by attached himself to someone else? Wasn't that just futile, given how this place had already proved how fragile these attachments could be?

But this wasn't about him and his issues. Kaoru was just worried. He just wanted to check in - even if Seimei told him to leave, at least Kaoru would have tried. And even if Kaoru couldn't help... at least he could listen. That counted for something, didn't it?

He hesitated, approaching Seimei's lean-to, and called before he had a chance to change his mind-]

Seimei-san? Seimei-san. [He admonishes himself quietly. He can't help it, it's still a little weird to drop the honorific when addressing an elder] ...Seimei, are you there?

Comments

[individuates]

[he makes a start himself, shaking the fabrics out before folding them into careful squares] I can manage either of those, definitely. I'm all right with plants, though I'm better at arranging them than growing them. My grandmother practices ikebana, she's not half bad... [understatement much, Kaoru? Just like her daughter, Kazuha goes all over the world to practice her art.]

I guess the talent runs in the family, but she's still a tough teacher. Carrying the family name doesn't mean a thing if our work sucks, so... she has exacting standards, little patience for sub-par pieces. She never wastes any time telling me when my work is worthless. [he runs a piece of fabric through his hands thoughtfully] In the end, we have a name and a reputation to protect. [and in the end, his name and his skills are really all that he has here]

[yinyangfox]

It fascinates me to hear these things and to realize how little the world changes over time. Peole are not so very different from one century to the next. Yes, perhaps they do have different standards of etiquette, or fashion. Yet the core principles, they seem strikingly similar.

[ The onmyoji nods slightly, finishing gathering up the fabric and setting it aside for Kaoru, dusting his hands off. Casting his eyes towards the skeletal house, Seimei smiles thoughtfully. ]

Would you like to decorate my house, Kaoru?

[individuates]

[Kaoru's turn. His head jerks up and he almost loses his grip on the fabric he's holding]

E-eh? But... but you've hardly even seen any of my work yet! What if I screw it up. Or, or worse, what if you don't like it?

[yinyangfox]

I assure you, should you try your best, you will not disappoint me. Besides that, I imagine anything you put your heart into can only be judged as perfection.

[ The onmyoji offers one of those infuriating, unreadable smiles with those glittering, amused eyes. It seemed as good an excuse as any to spend more time with Kaoru.]

You can do your fabric crafting here as well, if you like, in the meanwhile. No doubt the open space will be suitable.

[individuates]

[he can't help pouting and glowering slightly at Seimei as he runs the fabric from one hand to the other]

[deadpans] I never know what you're thinking when you smile like that. Makes me doubt your intentions.

[yinyangfox]

Oh? [ He asks, looking perplexed before a broad grin splits his face. ]

Allow me to allay your concerns. what do you think my intentions are?

[individuates]

I can doubt them without having any preconceived notions about them.

[continues to throw out play-frowns as he shakes out and folds fabric into perfect squares, all the while without taking his eyes off Seimei to look at what he's actually doing]

[yinyangfox]

[ There goes that fan again, hiding his mouth as his eyes close and he settles to sit on the steps of his house. ]

In order for you to doubt my intentions, you have to assume I have them. So, what do you imagine my intentions are, Kaoru? I really am curious, now.

[individuates]

W-well I haven't figured out that part either! [he would totally be flailing if he didn't have such precious cargo in his hands] Maybe I've just been around Tono for too long. I mean he's a nice guy but he always thinks that people have naughty intentions. Even me and Hikaru and we're completely innocent. Seriously! We're, like, the nicest, sweetest, most loveable people you could meet! [Honestly. They never did anything that would deserve their being tarred so!]

[yinyangfox]

So you imagine my intentions to be...intimate? [ He asks, blinking suddenly and lowering the fan enough that his shock is more apparent than his amusement. After a moment he folds the tessen and sets it in his lap, turning his head as his lower jaw cocks to one side and his lips pucker crookedly. A few secodns tick by before he clears his throat and fixes his gaze on the boy, inhaling and exhaling slowly. ]

You know I would never seek to do anything dishonorable with you, don't you, Kaoru?

[individuates]

[wait, hold up, how did they get onto this topic of conversation...?

...oh wait. Kaoru started it. His bad.]

I know that, I know that! And I'm not saying that you're planning anything of that nature, 'cos if anything you're much too honourable for that kind of thing but - well - not that it's not cute but you always seem so mischievous when you smile like that and, and, you see, the problem is from mischief we end up back to naughty which catapults us right back to intimate, which is what I was not suggesting, and that's why I need to stop talking.

[he manages all this at an incredible speed and, as soon as he's done, grabs for another piece of fabric and starts folding it a bit higher than strictly necessary so he can hide his face. Why does he always shoot his mouth up and end up looking like an idiot?"]

[yinyangfox]

[ Slow blinking fills the span of several seconds while Seimei - usually quite a quick thinker - attempts to process what was said. Uncertain of the entire meaning, the onmyoji sighs and looks away. A few more moments and his gaze falls on Kaoru, brows furrowed in confusion. Still silent, he stands and paces, tapping his tessen in one hand.

Eventually Seimei is forced to ask. ]

Would it offend you?

[individuates]

[blinks at him over the top of some more fabric he's snatched up]

Would... what, precisely?

[yinyangfox]

[ Rethinking the line of questioning, Seimei shakes his head.

He had known Hiromasa a year and hadn't dared venture into this territory. He'd known Kaoru a significantly shorter span of time and if he wanted to have any friends at all and not end up old and alone as he had mentioned earlier, it was in his best interest to backpedal. Better old and lonely than old and alone. A good friend was better than nothing, and Seimei was used to suffering his affections in silence.]

Nothing. I apologize I...I misunderstood. [ Quick change of topic. ] Shall I assist you in carrying your things back?

[individuates]

[blinks slightly at the sudden change of track, but accepts it with a nod. God, he wishes he could read Seimei's mind sometimes]

Mmm. This will be quite a pile once it's all together and I'd rather not drop anything and dirty it. So a bit of help will definitely be good. [scooping up an armful of the remaining fabric and holding it out] Would you help me fold these? It'll go faster with two... [and it would help to keep them both occupied]

[yinyangfox]

Of course. It would be my pelasure. [ The onmyoji replied, tucking away his tessen and crouching nearby to fold, his eyes on the task and avoiding Kaoru for the time being. He folds as neatly - if not more so - and sets everything into a pile in a manner meant to balance the weight of everything, allowing him to carry more.

Time that may otherwise have been filled with lighthearted banter suddenly seemed oppressive and silent. He wanted to say something, and normally would have had a better pool of topics to offer, yet he felt like saying anything might somehow reveal intentions he was now thoroughly convinced Kaoru would take poorly.

Ah, the trials of social anxiety. At least he felt his forced smile looked genuine enough to pass the time off as companionable silence instead of mandatory. ]

[individuates]

[about two items into his remaining pile, Kaoru realises that things aren't going as he had planned. At all.]

[Gosh, this is awkward. He hadn't meant it to be. At all.]

...I'm sorry.

[yinyangfox]

[ Hands stilled on the last item Seimei was neatly creasing, dark eyes flicking up as his head tilted. The expression went instantly from blank and on the verge of gloomy to curious and concerned. ]

Whatever in the world have you to apologize to me for, Kaoru?

[individuates]

Making everything awkward. [his hands bunch around the fabric a little] I didn't mean to do it. I know some of the values in your time are different to mine, but I forget sometimes. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

[yinyangfox]

[ He lowers his eyes, watching Kaoru's hands thoughtfully before looking at his own, still tingling where thumbs had drifted over them. ]

You did nothing wrong, Kaoru. I was...that is to say...Hm. I simply misinterpreted things. I am indeed from another time, and in that time we use a different dialect, so to speak. While you and I are are perhaps saying similar things, the accent is complicating our understanding. Neither one of us meaning to offend the other.

I have taken no offense, and I meant none of my own. I simply made a mistake and attempted to correct it. Does that make sense?

[individuates]

[he just nods soundlessly, staring at his hands for a moment] ...yeah.

[he unclenches his fingers and shakes out the material, but the creases he's made because of his own carelessness aren't going anywhere. He'll have to iron them out later.]

[yinyangfox]

[ Lips pursing, Seimei wonders at himself. Hot and cold, up and down. Emotions causing too much trouble, the frustration of loss, the gratitude of comfort. Had not he once been told it was better to pull out the arrow quickly, for the pain was shorter lived and the healing began sooner?

Fine. Better to know than wonder. If anything, the loss of his only friend told him that words left unspoken burned like hot coal, and regret was a sour dish indeed. ]

I had thought to ask permission to court you. [ The onmyoji stated in a neutral tone, not looking up from the fabric. He barreled forward, making certain that he explained himself concisely. ]

In my time such things are acceptable, but largely unspoken. It is very difficult to know when you might offend someone merely by showing affection and I do not know how much the world has changed in between my era and your own.

I made the mistake of not saying anything once before and it will likely haunt me forever, but I feel that I have perhaps made the same mistake, only this time I said too much. I would never wish to dishonor you and it would pain me to lose your friendship over something I could have just as easily kept secret, Kaoru. However, if I said nothing at all, I would feel as though I were lying, in some fashion.

I promise you, I never had any ill intentions. I was...I was only...I promise you, my intentions were only to ask. I would never... [ He trails off, lips pursing as he turns his face to one side, looking for answers somewhere other than the damnable fabric. ]

I only have respect for you. I would never wish to act disgracefully, only that I do not know what your time deems respectable. It would have been more intelligent for me to simply keep silent and too myself.

[individuates]

[he refrains from taking up another piece of fabric while Seimei speaks but his hands feel empty and for lack of anything else to do, clasp together, twisting. Not to talk, trying to save his reactions until Seimei is done, is a difficult thing to do. Before he speaks, he lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding]

I... [Oh. Oh gosh. He has never been in this position...] I'm not offended by anything you've said. But please understand. There are things about myself I haven't quite figured out yet.

[but he should at least explain how things are in his time, so he hesitates and gives it a try] The thing is... although it's not... unacceptable in my Japan, I can't say there are a lot of openly gay people, either. Many people are often afraid to admit they are attracted only to members of the same gender; they worry they will be rejected by their families and peers and would rather hide. There is still a lot of hate and prejudice in the world and they're afraid of it. I'm lucky to have encountered none of it myself but it's still horrible to hear of.

[he takes a moment to collect himself, wishing he'd brought Tama-chan. It was mostly down to Seimei, but holding the egg was always soothing - he'd taken to rubbing it when he was stressed, or just in need of occupying his hands. His hands are still clasped and he worries his lip for a moment]

But I'm also lucky that I have an amazing family and set of role models. They have always taught me that love is good. As long as love is there nothing else matters - that's quite a big thing, in the society I come from.

As for myself... if I'm honest, I realised some time ago that I'm not really attracted to girls. I-I mean... [colouring slightly, continuing to twist his hands] ...there was Haruhi, but she was kind of a boyish girl. I'm not sure what that says about me. Like I said, I still haven't got to grips with all this yet. Once I left high school, I thought I might be able to but...

...what I'm saying is, I need some time, because I don't understand a lot of things yet. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about myself. [He's not sure how he'll figure it out. Hikaru's usually the first one he runs to]

Believe me, though, I don't want to lose this friendship either. I need you to know that.


...and thank you so much for saying what you did. For being honest. You didn't have to say anything at all...

[yinyangfox]

[ Seimei could feel the house of cards tumbling down. Could hear them sliding against one another, fluttering to the floor in scattered piles with every word of Kaoru's that sounded like 'No no no'.
For a moment it felt like his throat was gripped in an iron fist and his heart was beating in molasses. He said noting, even though he could feel the color draining from his face as horror crept in. He'd done it at last, he'd really said too much. He had finally said what he felt instead of hiding it behind a fan and smile and it had done sufficient damage to snuff out a friendship barely made.

The onmyoji was just lamenting his foolishness and lack of clarity when Kaoru's words turned from a panicked rebuff to a more explanatory line. Dark eyes flicked up, and he was careful - so careful - to kill the hopeful expression he knew was welling up. His face as a cool mask as he listened, silent.

When Kaoru finished, he reminded himself not to look worried, or hurt. Not to look anything other than gracefully accepting.

It was not easy, he found, and he wondered how Hiromasa dealt with so much failure and rejection with a smile.
Then again, when you threw yourself into every emotional venture with absolute honesty and wore your heart pinned on your sleeve, you have considerably less to lose. ]

Of course, Kaoru. I would never dream of ending a friendship based on a lack of shared interest. No one is...ever expected to feel one way or another. I will always respect your decisions, and I apologize for putting you under such pressure. If anyone compromised anything, it was myself. I take full responsibility and I apologize for speaking of inappropriate matters.

[ Seimei sank slowly to his knees and bent forward, prostrating himself in dogeza, forehead pressing to the ground, for he knew of no other way to express his deepest regrets and how much respect he had for Kaoru. that, and it gave him time to stop trembling with the strain of his nerves when he very much wished he could retreat into a dark hole somewhere and avoid communicating with anyone until he got himself under control. ]

[individuates]

[He hadn't been sure what else he could say. If things were to... progress, he would have a hard time fighting against it. But it was quite another matter to jump in with both feet. He knows himself well enough to know that if it didn't work out... it would be so hard to pull himself out of it without Hikaru. But then Seimei saves him - albeit in an unexpected fashion.]

Seimei- Seimei!

[he has no idea what else to do other than drop down with him - he's reaches out to take Seimei's hands, then realises that might be a bad idea. Shoulders? In the end, he's just stuck flapping around uselessly. What should be doing in this situation?!]

Seimei, what are you doing?! There's no need to- - Seimei!