thebastion | Day 77

[ The onmyoji was sitting under a small shelter built of sticks woven together, long strips of fabric tying it together and brightly colored fabric from repurposed clothing creating curtains of a sort. It was essentially a tiny hut big enough for a full futon to be covered. Privacy and shelter in a quiet place.

Near the tree the shelter was built against were the bones and beginnings of a small yet spacious home in familiar Japanese fashion. The framework was standing and nearby bits of wood were being fitted with paper and paste. The floor was even wood and the layout looked like it would offer a private bedroom and a place to entertain guests. Even if Seimei chose to live away from the others, he was willing to see them and have them in his space.

The futon in the lean-to was made of clothing the onmyoji had found and neatly folded for cushioning. It wasn't perfect, but he didn't dare ask for things others needed more.

When Kaoru approached, he could see Seimei kneeling on the futon, his eyes closed and his hat sitting aside, giving the younger man proof that the onmyoji's hair was actually very long. Tied up in a top-knot, certainly, but bearing enough length to suggest a level of pride he didn't usually display about his looks. His clothes, certainly, but not his personal looks.
Not that he had anything to worry about there, either.

Seimei was resting, eyes closed, lips pursed, his focus somewhere else. When Kaoru's voice broke the localized peace, dark lashes parted to reveal even darker eyes that slid sideways and fixed on the boy for several long moments before a tired smile formed. ]

Kaoru. Of course. What can I do for you? [ He asks, blinking slowly as though adjusting to reality. He reaches over for his hat, thinking to put it on once more, but stops halfway and frowns, abandoning the cap of office. He wasn't feeling particularly noble or important at the moment - wearing the hat would be little more than a farce. ]

Something you wanted to talk about? Is something wrong?

[Hitachiins don't build their own houses. Hitachiins don't make do or adapt what they have, either. So although Kaoru is learning these lessons - or at least the latter one- he still glances around in barely-disguised awe. Although not particularly grandiose in its current state, the house-in-progress is nevertheless something of a feat. And Seimei's current space, despite lacking a few things... somehow it seemed more like a home than Kaoru's own apartment.

Though admittedly Kaoru's place could beat Seimei's by virtue of its resistance to the elements. A roof, walls, and a door are surprisingly helpful in that regard.]

[Eventually, he catches himself, realises he's intruding, and pulls back slightly]

Ah- no, not me, you. But I... I didn't mean to disturb you.

[ Those dark eyes glitter briefly with amusement before he shakes his head and pushes himself to his feet, offering a polite bow. ]

Not at all, Kaoru. I am more than happy to greet my first guest. Granted my home is not much, but all company is welcome.

[ He rises from the bow and gestures vaguely to the tilled soil beside the house that would eventually be a garden. Here and there foliage had already been replanted, and stones salvaged from the ruined city were now creating pathways and small formations to ponder in meditation. Taking the first steps, Seimei indicates they should walk for a bit around the house, for lack of anywhere else to go. ]

What about me, Kaoru? Did you have some sort of question? [ He asks, hands folding into his sleeves, which were beginning to fray from so much washing and wearing. He tried not to let himself worry about how shabby he was beginning to look. It was one more thing to punctuate his failures. ]

[Every time you twinkle at him like that, Seimei, Kaoru feels like a child. Like you know something big and grown-up about the world that he doesn’t. He’s never sure what to think when you give him that look.]

I noticed that you left the gathering early and you seemed… troubled. I was worried but… I should have considered that you might be tired, too, I’m sorry. [and he will continue to be sorry. He fears he’s been presumptuous and pushed in on Seimei in… what may as well be a state of undress, as he’s never seen him without the hat before – he doesn’t know if Seimei minds being seen without it or not. Perhaps he’s just being courteous.]

[...but Kaoru will walk with him anyway. His eyes don't linger on those frayed sleeves but he certainly sees them.]

[ He paused for a moment, blinking, before continuing on, staring forward as they walked in silence for a time. Sometimes it was only the young that could see the truth of things. Seimei was terribly young for a kitsune, but definitely a grown man in the eyes of early Kyoto men and women. Sometimes he felt old. Sometimes he felt like a child. Sometimes he wished for those days before Kuzu-no-Ha left. Ah, but would he be able to deal with loss as easily? Children were often so much more volatile. ]

I apologize if I caused you concern, Kaoru. It was my intention to leave before my own misgivings were noted by others. Admittedly I had hoped to be alone longer. However...

[ He trails off for a moment, sighing deeply and nodding as his eyes close briefly in acceptance. ]

I believe separating myself entirely from people at this time might be a mistake. Everyone is in pain and grieving. It is...childish of me to disappear when I might be needed for something.

[ He wasn't admitting his own anguish, really, but the subtle signs were there, in the muscles of his jaw, the corners of his eyes. Someone like Hitachiin, taught to read people for the host club, might note the tells. Seimei was very good at smiling instead of crying or shouting, but it didn't mean he didn't rage on the inside. Everything from how he laughed casually or hid his hands from view were ways he hid his true feelings. The onmyoji might be a master of subterfuge, but things sometimes weighed so heavily even the strongest shoulders bowed under the weight. ]

[Kaoru shakes his head and hums quietly, breathing a long, soft exhale, watching his own feet for a while, rather than the path before him.]

Your misgivings, Seimei?

[as much as he would like to ask about them he doesn’t want to pry too much. It was never an issue with he and Hikaru; there were never any barriers or secrets between them, but that meant that sometimes it was easy to poke too far into the affairs of others without meaning to. He doesn’t want to be a pushy or a nosey person]

[He lifts his head again, glancing at Seimei briefly. Hm. Kyouya-senpai’s jaw used to tense like that, too.]

Edited 2013-06-18 07:01 (UTC)

[ How much did he want to say? How much did he dare to say? what was too much? Seimei spent so much - all, in fact - of his life hiding everything from everyone, the idea of talking about how he felt was absurd. And yet... ]

I feel responsible. [ He admits, after a great length of silence. ]

I feel impotent. My magic is muted, my knowledge is useless. Two children [ To Seimei, everyone seems a child ] disappeared and I was right there. I did not even notice. I did not sense anything. I used to be so much better at this - Great! I was the best. I am supposed to be a master of finding things and here we were trying to find a young woman and I found papers.

Papers, Kaoru. There are not adequate words to describe just how...crippled I feel, being in this place.

[ And there it was. All the claustrophobia, all the weakness, all the loss and confusion.

Everyone dealt with things differently. Seimei could advise everyone else how to cope, but he had no coping skills of his own. Once upon a time, his greatest concerns were in the keeping of someone else. Seimei didn't need to worry because the other half of his bisected humanity was a man with an easy smile and laugh always dancing on his lips.

Now the onmyoji was alone. Surrounded by people, but utterly cut off from the only way he had been able to successfully manage the human parts of himself. Without Hiromasa, Seimei didn't know what to do. It might not have been love, but without someone else there to be emotional for him, the onmyoji feels like a kettle boiling but sealed too tight to relieve the pressure. A lifetime of telling other people how to live didn't necessarily prepare one for their own crises. ]

This is not something I would choose to trouble anyone with. It is no one's business but my own. I would not have even spoken to you about it, truly, but I feel...so...

[ Words failed the man, and he simply stood there for a moment staring at his raised hands, palms upturned and fingers curled in - a gesture of helplessness, of sand slipping through fingers, of having no grasp on anything with which to anchor himself. Everything was at last sinking in and Seimei was beginning to blame himself for things out of his control, because they were things that happened in the here and now, things in this place and this time. Things he felt he should have been able to see coming, to prevent or to at least solve. ]

[He forgets sometimes – often – that there are many people here with skills of some sort or another, so he had never realised that they were limited in some way. To a merely normal human like him, even in a limited capacity, these were the kinds of powers he could only dream of. But of course, the limitations on previously wide-ranging powers… that would make a huge difference to the person on whom they were placed – of course it would.

All that Kaoru has is a wretched ability to over-empathise with others, a tendency worry endlessly about those he cares about, and a wish to carry their burdens for them.

He listens quietly and doesn’t interrupt, waiting until Seimei is finished, and closes his eyes for a moment, takes a breath, lets it go, and ventures quietly, at the risk of sounding too presumptuous -]

…human, Seimei?

But you’re not responsible for this. They lived on the same floor as me, I... I could blame myself just as easily [and he does. At least Seimei and the others were out on the Skyway doing something good, bringing back supplies for the Bastion… what had Kaoru been doing in that time? Messing around with fabrics?] but it’s not anyone’s fault.

I don't know about you but this place… sometimes it feels like the rules in this place are twisted round so much I can’t figure them out anymore. But that said, that’s no reason not to keep on trying. [There’s no way to say for certain that had they been more vigilant their three missing persons might still be here. They can keep on trying, though. They might not lose anyone else. Maybe that thought makes Kaoru naïve but… it is possible.]

Those papers… I know they’re not going to replace anyone we’ve lost but there might be something in there. Something we can use. Something that can help us understand this place more.

[He lifts his own hands, hesitates briefly, then reaches to take Seimei’s. He can see what all this is doing to him and worries that no matter how much he wants to help, he might not be helping at all.]

I’m sorry. I’m probably useless at making you feel better, but I’m good at listening, if you want to talk more.

You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone, though. [with a small smile] I’m afraid I have to insist on that.

[ He had been opening his mouth to reply, to say something of worth. Of consequence. His ability to speak flees the moment Kaoru grasps his hands. One corner of his mouth twitches, eyes drifting slowly down to stare uncomprehending.

Eventually his tongue darts out, dampening lips that suddenly feel dry. He doesn't notice the color creeping into his face, turning his ears a rosy color.

The onmyoji's head ducks briefly as he struggles to understand what was happening, when Kaoru's words really sink in, along with a dose of terror he hadn't even realized he could feel.

He had never wanted to be human. Normal, yes. Normal enough to pass for human. Yet he had always loved what he was, loved his connection to otherworldly things and places, valued his heritage and the things he shared with his mother.
The idea of being human, of being nothing special and no one of consequence, is frightening. Not after leading an extraordinary life.

What good was Seimei to anyone, then?

Kaoru could feel the tension in the onmyoji's body radiating through their physical connection. His hands were tense, his body trembled and those wide, dark eyes spoke volumes. To be cut off from his magic was to Seimei what losing his hands would be to Kaoru. ]

Alone or with someone, Kaoru... [ He says, barely above a whisper. ] ...I do not know what to do. There is nothing wrong...with being human. But to suddenly be something you absolutely are not, and have never been in your heart...Birds that cannot fly have been known to die of grief. What do I do without my wings?

[his smile falters and dims a little but it's as though it has retreated back, actually reaching his eyes this time. He dips his head slightly too, as if wanting to let Seimei catch it]

Build new ones, Seimei. That's what humans do. Concentrate on what you have, what you can do now, and use it.

[Hands tightening around Seimei's, he gives them a gentle tug]

Let me be clear, though, that is not just what you are. You are not like me; being human is just a part of you. Parts of your identity aren't... they're can't just be taken away from you arbitrarily, no more than you can put them down and walk away from them yourself. You may have lost a little of your power but you have lost none of your identity.

[ The onmyoji jumps a little at the squeeze, eyes widening ever more as his heart flutters in his chest. Such contact was more than he was used to. The closest he'd ever been to anyone before that was when he was treating someone...or when Hiromasa held him right before he fell unconscious and woke up in this place.

Swallowing audibly, Seimei forces himself to inhale, the breath a soft sob. Kaoru's words were honest and kind, yet they highlighted another point. He had indeed lost art of his identity when he was separated from his only friend. He had sacrificed someone else's life in order to save Hiromasa from death; Hiromasa was the first person he had wept over since his mother and father had gone, and so far as he knew, they only person that had ever wept for him in turn.

Despite the sudden tidal wave of renewed fear that crashed against the shores of sensibility, Seimei's lips twitched into a weak smile. Dark eyes were fixed on the hands gripping his own - hands anchoring him.

Tension slowly seeped out, and the onmyoji's hands relaxed a fraction as his eyes closed, a long sigh passing parted lips, shoulders sagging wearily. ]

I beg your forgiveness, Kaoru, for burdening you with this. Before...before I arrived here I had only just begun to reidentify myself. I suppose I did not realize how much the loss of Hiromasa would affect me... [ He trailed off for a moment, eyes drifting sidelong as memories shored up, pain evident in his face with the name spoken aloud. ]

The most human part of me was someone else.

Before Hiromasa I had always accepted that I might someday die, and it would be old, alone and unloved. A friend, a real friend, meant I would not. And now...it frightens me to return to such a dismal truth. I am not equipped with the things so many humans have that make them so personal and readily able to connect.

I am afraid, Kaoru. And my one refuge has always been my magic...which seems to have fled me.

[ Another inhale and sigh, eyes tilting up while his head stayed down. ]

What if I am only as important as my magic makes me?

There's no need to apologise... [He may not look it, but he has broad shoulders. Kaoru knows how it is - they all know how it is - to have the ground crumble away beneath their feet. To lose what had once supported and directed their steps. His thumbs sweep briefly across Seimei's hands, once forward, once back.]

When I talked to Rin-chan the other day... we ended up talking about strength. Something that she said made me think - that she was twice as tough as any demon because of all the... [Uh. He carefully censors that word] difficulties she's gone through. Twice as much as any demon. I said - and I've thought about it since and still think so now - that perhaps it was because of her human side that she grew more resilient. It's our nature for us, when we suffer pain or loss or fear or adversity, to strive and grow stronger and go forwards. And however it may feel right now, Seimei, you are going forwards, not backwards.

There are already people here who respect you and care about you for more than just your skills - so what's this "as important as your magic makes you"? [he hums softly under his breath] It's a redundant measure in this place with its own rules. So discard it.

[he hesitates for a few moments]

...what are you thinking - what are you feeling - when you sigh like that?

[ So much wisdom, from people Seimei had less than a year ago had avoided as ignorant and incapable of intellect comparable to his own. Not out of arrogance, but out of fear. Humans destroyed things they didn't understand and yet here was another one trying to connect with him. He wondered briefly what his mother would have said, she who risked everything to be with a human.

Strength, Kaoru preached. Find it in yourself. And suggesting that his strength was the human in him, not the kitsune, made the onmyoji smirk faintly.

Then the thumbs on his hands made his skin of his arms tingle, gooseflesh rising rapidly, making him grateful for his voluminous sleeves. ]

Hm? [ He mumbled distractedly, flicking his eyes back up to Kaoru's face as the question sank in, distracting him from pulling his hands away as he had thought to do, officially making it the longest physical contact in his entire adult life. ]

Defeat, sometimes. Relief, others. Sometimes one in the same, making it a surrender, I suppose.

Right now...acceptance. I will, of course, survive this. Humans struggle, always, for everything. Nothing is ever easy or simple for them. You are right, that my strength no doubt comes from that part of me. You shame me, Kaoru. I am being so childish...

[Kaoru just smiles a little at all he has to say] Human, human, human and human. It may only feel like bad things right now, but there are good things too, right? And maybe in feeling these things... you can still carry a little bit of him with you?

[a slight chuckle] Childish? No I just had all my meltdowns a lot earlier. [it's about time he did his share of bucking up, really...]

I am so used to traveling through life in a perpetual state of calm. [ He remarks, clearing his throat softly and gently extricating his hands from Kaoru's, cheeks pink as he turns to the side and tucks his palms into his sleeves. ]

I did not realize these feelings were creeping up on me. Mounting pressure was crushing my reason and crippling me with doubt. Likely I will continue to slip into these moments of fear...but I suppose that is simply the task at hand, dealing with one's humanity. Perhaps I should take this from another angle, change my perspective and find pleasure in exploring an aspect of myself that has forever been overshadowed by the yokai in me?

Thank you...Kaoru. I did not really know that I needed to speak to anyone.

[Kaoru lets Seimei pull away with a small smile, and starts them walking again, gently throwing back Seimei's own words from several days earlier]

A delightful pastime? Or a frightening challenge?

[ eyebrows shoot up, lips pursing in an O before laughter tumbled out, the last of the tension trickling away. ]

Oh, very clever, my friend. Very clever indeed. How about "yes"? Certainly both. I suppose anything worth doing is never one dimensional.

[he gives an easy laugh, slipping his hands in his pockets] Well, I wish you luck, then~! [his own delightful challenge is waiting for him at home. Not so much as a wobble yet, but then he has no idea how long it's going to take]

By the way, speaking of challenges. I wanted to ask you. About those sleeves of yours...

Hm? Yes? What about them? [ He asks, tilting his head slightly. It didn't occur that Kaoru might be referring to the frayed edges and and fading designs. Considering how no one else wore sleeves like his, he imagined it was something to do with the excessive size. ]

Ah yes, the egg. I should write you another warming charm to make certain it keeps well. [ Of course he doesn't care to mention the added enchantment to assist in Kaoru's sleeping, like a gentle sedative. ]

You should let me fix them up sometime. In fact, I might be able to make you something new, if you can stand the possibility of losing the entire layer... [He's no genius - he can't really replicate the clothing from scratch and so he needs a template of some sort to do it. He'd have to take the layer apart to figure out a pattern, how much fabric he might need, and there was no guarantee of him being able to piece it back together exactly how it was. But the sacrifice of one item would mean endless possibilities for more. The only limitation would be the time it would take for Kaoru to execute the designs]

[he pouts slightly] I would be able to work a lot faster with a sewing machine, it's time-consuming, piecing stuff together by hand. If I were a lazier person I might have been swayed to vote for electricty...

[ Cheeks puff briefly as forming words fell apart when the state of his clothing as called into question. He fell silent a moment, uncertain how to respond. Embarrassment flooded his face as he looked away and nodded. ]

I suppose there is little purpose in keeping it, if it is so threadbare as to draw attention.

[teasingly] Only to an expert, Seimei-san~! I wouldn't have known, but since I was close enough to hold your hands, I saw all I needed to see.

[ And then he was reminded of their impropriety. Cheeks colored again and he turned even further to the side, tessen suddenly in his hand, snapped open and covering most of his face. ]

Of course. Then I will defer to your expertise in the matter.

Edited 2013-06-20 06:00 (UTC)

[if anything, that makes the smile even wider. Impropriety, you say? Pah!]

I can see how red you are, Seimei. Stop trying and failing to hide from me.

[ Shoulders twitched, eyes drifted to the side and Seimei fanned himself lightly. Why...why on earth would anyone point that out? It was unheard of! Politeness dictated...ah, but they were from different worlds entirely. ]

I....I am not hiding anything.

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