thebastion | Day 77

Entry tags:

Day 77 - Closed

Who: Kaoru Hitachiin and Seimei
Status: Closed ._.
When: Day 77
Where: Seimei's pad.
What: Worried Kaoru is worried, and ~~stalks~~ follows Seimei back home.
Style: Action
Warnings: Nope?

[Once the discussions end, Kaoru slips away again, making his way in the the same direction Seimei had gone. His attention was probably completely unwanted, but... Seimei had seemed so troubled when he had left. Kaoru couldn't just stand by and leave him to it. So here he was, trailing after as usual. He was always the one following behind like a lost puppy. Did that make him the kind of person who could only survive by attached himself to someone else? Wasn't that just futile, given how this place had already proved how fragile these attachments could be?

But this wasn't about him and his issues. Kaoru was just worried. He just wanted to check in - even if Seimei told him to leave, at least Kaoru would have tried. And even if Kaoru couldn't help... at least he could listen. That counted for something, didn't it?

He hesitated, approaching Seimei's lean-to, and called before he had a chance to change his mind-]

Seimei-san? Seimei-san. [He admonishes himself quietly. He can't help it, it's still a little weird to drop the honorific when addressing an elder] ...Seimei, are you there?

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So you imagine my intentions to be...intimate? [ He asks, blinking suddenly and lowering the fan enough that his shock is more apparent than his amusement. After a moment he folds the tessen and sets it in his lap, turning his head as his lower jaw cocks to one side and his lips pucker crookedly. A few secodns tick by before he clears his throat and fixes his gaze on the boy, inhaling and exhaling slowly. ]

You know I would never seek to do anything dishonorable with you, don't you, Kaoru?

Edited 2013-06-22 04:47 (UTC)

[wait, hold up, how did they get onto this topic of conversation...?

...oh wait. Kaoru started it. His bad.]

I know that, I know that! And I'm not saying that you're planning anything of that nature, 'cos if anything you're much too honourable for that kind of thing but - well - not that it's not cute but you always seem so mischievous when you smile like that and, and, you see, the problem is from mischief we end up back to naughty which catapults us right back to intimate, which is what I was not suggesting, and that's why I need to stop talking.

[he manages all this at an incredible speed and, as soon as he's done, grabs for another piece of fabric and starts folding it a bit higher than strictly necessary so he can hide his face. Why does he always shoot his mouth up and end up looking like an idiot?"]

[ Slow blinking fills the span of several seconds while Seimei - usually quite a quick thinker - attempts to process what was said. Uncertain of the entire meaning, the onmyoji sighs and looks away. A few more moments and his gaze falls on Kaoru, brows furrowed in confusion. Still silent, he stands and paces, tapping his tessen in one hand.

Eventually Seimei is forced to ask. ]

Would it offend you?

[blinks at him over the top of some more fabric he's snatched up]

Would... what, precisely?

Edited (Pah, wrong icon. He hasn't blushed in a while!) 2013-06-22 05:19 (UTC)

[ Rethinking the line of questioning, Seimei shakes his head.

He had known Hiromasa a year and hadn't dared venture into this territory. He'd known Kaoru a significantly shorter span of time and if he wanted to have any friends at all and not end up old and alone as he had mentioned earlier, it was in his best interest to backpedal. Better old and lonely than old and alone. A good friend was better than nothing, and Seimei was used to suffering his affections in silence.]

Nothing. I apologize I...I misunderstood. [ Quick change of topic. ] Shall I assist you in carrying your things back?

[blinks slightly at the sudden change of track, but accepts it with a nod. God, he wishes he could read Seimei's mind sometimes]

Mmm. This will be quite a pile once it's all together and I'd rather not drop anything and dirty it. So a bit of help will definitely be good. [scooping up an armful of the remaining fabric and holding it out] Would you help me fold these? It'll go faster with two... [and it would help to keep them both occupied]

Of course. It would be my pelasure. [ The onmyoji replied, tucking away his tessen and crouching nearby to fold, his eyes on the task and avoiding Kaoru for the time being. He folds as neatly - if not more so - and sets everything into a pile in a manner meant to balance the weight of everything, allowing him to carry more.

Time that may otherwise have been filled with lighthearted banter suddenly seemed oppressive and silent. He wanted to say something, and normally would have had a better pool of topics to offer, yet he felt like saying anything might somehow reveal intentions he was now thoroughly convinced Kaoru would take poorly.

Ah, the trials of social anxiety. At least he felt his forced smile looked genuine enough to pass the time off as companionable silence instead of mandatory. ]

[about two items into his remaining pile, Kaoru realises that things aren't going as he had planned. At all.]

[Gosh, this is awkward. He hadn't meant it to be. At all.]

...I'm sorry.

Edited 2013-06-22 05:58 (UTC)

[ Hands stilled on the last item Seimei was neatly creasing, dark eyes flicking up as his head tilted. The expression went instantly from blank and on the verge of gloomy to curious and concerned. ]

Whatever in the world have you to apologize to me for, Kaoru?

Making everything awkward. [his hands bunch around the fabric a little] I didn't mean to do it. I know some of the values in your time are different to mine, but I forget sometimes. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

[ He lowers his eyes, watching Kaoru's hands thoughtfully before looking at his own, still tingling where thumbs had drifted over them. ]

You did nothing wrong, Kaoru. I was...that is to say...Hm. I simply misinterpreted things. I am indeed from another time, and in that time we use a different dialect, so to speak. While you and I are are perhaps saying similar things, the accent is complicating our understanding. Neither one of us meaning to offend the other.

I have taken no offense, and I meant none of my own. I simply made a mistake and attempted to correct it. Does that make sense?

[he just nods soundlessly, staring at his hands for a moment] ...yeah.

[he unclenches his fingers and shakes out the material, but the creases he's made because of his own carelessness aren't going anywhere. He'll have to iron them out later.]

[ Lips pursing, Seimei wonders at himself. Hot and cold, up and down. Emotions causing too much trouble, the frustration of loss, the gratitude of comfort. Had not he once been told it was better to pull out the arrow quickly, for the pain was shorter lived and the healing began sooner?

Fine. Better to know than wonder. If anything, the loss of his only friend told him that words left unspoken burned like hot coal, and regret was a sour dish indeed. ]

I had thought to ask permission to court you. [ The onmyoji stated in a neutral tone, not looking up from the fabric. He barreled forward, making certain that he explained himself concisely. ]

In my time such things are acceptable, but largely unspoken. It is very difficult to know when you might offend someone merely by showing affection and I do not know how much the world has changed in between my era and your own.

I made the mistake of not saying anything once before and it will likely haunt me forever, but I feel that I have perhaps made the same mistake, only this time I said too much. I would never wish to dishonor you and it would pain me to lose your friendship over something I could have just as easily kept secret, Kaoru. However, if I said nothing at all, I would feel as though I were lying, in some fashion.

I promise you, I never had any ill intentions. I was...I was only...I promise you, my intentions were only to ask. I would never... [ He trails off, lips pursing as he turns his face to one side, looking for answers somewhere other than the damnable fabric. ]

I only have respect for you. I would never wish to act disgracefully, only that I do not know what your time deems respectable. It would have been more intelligent for me to simply keep silent and too myself.

[he refrains from taking up another piece of fabric while Seimei speaks but his hands feel empty and for lack of anything else to do, clasp together, twisting. Not to talk, trying to save his reactions until Seimei is done, is a difficult thing to do. Before he speaks, he lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding]

I... [Oh. Oh gosh. He has never been in this position...] I'm not offended by anything you've said. But please understand. There are things about myself I haven't quite figured out yet.

[but he should at least explain how things are in his time, so he hesitates and gives it a try] The thing is... although it's not... unacceptable in my Japan, I can't say there are a lot of openly gay people, either. Many people are often afraid to admit they are attracted only to members of the same gender; they worry they will be rejected by their families and peers and would rather hide. There is still a lot of hate and prejudice in the world and they're afraid of it. I'm lucky to have encountered none of it myself but it's still horrible to hear of.

[he takes a moment to collect himself, wishing he'd brought Tama-chan. It was mostly down to Seimei, but holding the egg was always soothing - he'd taken to rubbing it when he was stressed, or just in need of occupying his hands. His hands are still clasped and he worries his lip for a moment]

But I'm also lucky that I have an amazing family and set of role models. They have always taught me that love is good. As long as love is there nothing else matters - that's quite a big thing, in the society I come from.

As for myself... if I'm honest, I realised some time ago that I'm not really attracted to girls. I-I mean... [colouring slightly, continuing to twist his hands] ...there was Haruhi, but she was kind of a boyish girl. I'm not sure what that says about me. Like I said, I still haven't got to grips with all this yet. Once I left high school, I thought I might be able to but...

...what I'm saying is, I need some time, because I don't understand a lot of things yet. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about myself. [He's not sure how he'll figure it out. Hikaru's usually the first one he runs to]

Believe me, though, I don't want to lose this friendship either. I need you to know that.

...and thank you so much for saying what you did. For being honest. You didn't have to say anything at all...

[ Seimei could feel the house of cards tumbling down. Could hear them sliding against one another, fluttering to the floor in scattered piles with every word of Kaoru's that sounded like 'No no no'.
For a moment it felt like his throat was gripped in an iron fist and his heart was beating in molasses. He said noting, even though he could feel the color draining from his face as horror crept in. He'd done it at last, he'd really said too much. He had finally said what he felt instead of hiding it behind a fan and smile and it had done sufficient damage to snuff out a friendship barely made.

The onmyoji was just lamenting his foolishness and lack of clarity when Kaoru's words turned from a panicked rebuff to a more explanatory line. Dark eyes flicked up, and he was careful - so careful - to kill the hopeful expression he knew was welling up. His face as a cool mask as he listened, silent.

When Kaoru finished, he reminded himself not to look worried, or hurt. Not to look anything other than gracefully accepting.

It was not easy, he found, and he wondered how Hiromasa dealt with so much failure and rejection with a smile.
Then again, when you threw yourself into every emotional venture with absolute honesty and wore your heart pinned on your sleeve, you have considerably less to lose. ]

Of course, Kaoru. I would never dream of ending a friendship based on a lack of shared interest. No one is...ever expected to feel one way or another. I will always respect your decisions, and I apologize for putting you under such pressure. If anyone compromised anything, it was myself. I take full responsibility and I apologize for speaking of inappropriate matters.

[ Seimei sank slowly to his knees and bent forward, prostrating himself in dogeza, forehead pressing to the ground, for he knew of no other way to express his deepest regrets and how much respect he had for Kaoru. that, and it gave him time to stop trembling with the strain of his nerves when he very much wished he could retreat into a dark hole somewhere and avoid communicating with anyone until he got himself under control. ]

[He hadn't been sure what else he could say. If things were to... progress, he would have a hard time fighting against it. But it was quite another matter to jump in with both feet. He knows himself well enough to know that if it didn't work out... it would be so hard to pull himself out of it without Hikaru. But then Seimei saves him - albeit in an unexpected fashion.]

Seimei- Seimei!

[he has no idea what else to do other than drop down with him - he's reaches out to take Seimei's hands, then realises that might be a bad idea. Shoulders? In the end, he's just stuck flapping around uselessly. What should be doing in this situation?!]

Seimei, what are you doing?! There's no need to- - Seimei!

Edited 2013-06-23 03:54 (UTC)

[ With both of them overreacting to something that should have been simple and clear, they were making a fine amount of noise. Seimei chanced looking up and found Kaoru looking about as distressed as he did. Sitting back on his heels in confusion, the onmyoji tilts his head with furrowed brows.

After a moment the man raises both hands in a gesture of calm. Maybe they were both misunderstanding one another. Maybe they were missing the point. Maybe they just needed to find a common ground. One thing Seimei knew was that procedures were very different between their two times. So perhaps goign out ona limb wasn't the end of the world. ]

Kaoru, it was needed. Ineeded to apologize. I do not think either of us understands the ways of the other's life.
Courting - I do not know what it means where you are from, but in my time, it is...an innocent thing. It is simply befriending someone, yet with the shared knowledge that there is a greater affection there. That, should the one being courted ever wish, they may indicate that the affection is mutual.
There is never an expectation greater than being entertained as a guest from time to time. That is what I wanted to ask for, Kaoru. To...simply be considered as an option. It carries with it no obligations. If anything, it puts a great deal of responsibility on me. I asked to court you, you did not ask to court me.

[ He shakes his head, resting his palms on his thighs and sitting back on his heels comfortably. ]

I believe I am getting a headache. I should not have mentioned this so close on the heels of my earlier distress. I am sorry, Kaoru. I did not mean to upset you in any way.

[Oh. Oh right. Seimei had already said. Different times, different dialects.]

Where I'm from courting is barely even a word. I guess dating is similar but it's not quite what you describe... there's a good deal of stress on both individuals, usually because it's accepted that both would like the relationship to develop into something more, though if one party backs out they're seen to have been leading the other one on... this was kind of the idea I was working from, which is probably quite a few steps ahead of yours. [...a few steps. Try a few miles, Kaoru...]

It's not a yes. But it's not a no, either, and that's no answer at all, I understand that - and as long as I'm vague like this, leading you on is precisely what I'm doing. But I mean, I'm not... I'm not friend-zoning you or anything... It's just all kind of... big, when I barely have my feet under me in this place.

[ A long silence stretches between them, Seimei staring at Kaoru blankly for the majority, before the onmyoji's head tosses back in a delighted, stress-relieving laugh. ]

I have no idea what half of that meant, you know? [ He shakes his head, chuckling softly and pressing a hand to his lips, covered by a sleeve. ] Dating is what you do when you try to determine the age of an artifact. I can only assume friend-zoning is...some sort of concept about making...a place for friends?

However, no, Kaoru. Courting is not anything that demands something of you. It is simply announcing my interest, and asking permission to give you gifts, or visit you from time to time. If you do not make your intentions to court clear, then gifts might seem strange, and visits might be ill-received. where I come from, of course. [ He was quick to add with a small nod. ]

In my time...things are apparently much simpler. More clear. And the lines are more defined. I promise, I don't intend to pressure anything. If you find my interest disconcerting, please tell me and I will never mention it again, I swear it. Your friendship is more valuable to me. I am used to never speaking of my affection, Kaoru. I have lived my life in silence, and I would rather you as a friend than find myself alone, having chased you away with foolish declarations.

[he can't help laughing himself, leaning forward a little bit] Sorry, I should have realised as soon as I said it. We have that kind of dating as well but... this kind of dating is one of the words we got from America that we don't get the origins of. I guess it's because it describes two people deciding to do something together and picking a date to do it? Maybe that's why. You got the friend-zone about right, though. If someone says they would never, ever date you - that they just see you as a friend - that's friend-zoning.

[a smile] But that doesn't really apply here, does it?

It does not? You mean...? [ The onmyoji tilts his head slowly, arching a brow and chancing a half smile. ]

Then, am I allowed to? May I have permission to court you? I promise, I will never do anything you do not invite. It is simply...a higher form of friendship. At most, it is an invitation to speak freely and visit informally.

[he nods, still blushing a little from earlier, but with a small smile.]

...yes, Seimei, you have my permission.

[ While he had been hopeful, they were not words Seimei had expected to hear. For a moment the onmyoji simply sits there, lips quirking up and down, uncertain if smiling was the proper response. Eventually he chuckled weakly and smiled fully, raising a hand and covering his face as he did. He didn't speak until he was certain he wouldn't sound absolutely childish. ]

Thank you, Kaoru. [ He says with a slight bow, eyes drifting closed as he falls and rises. Fixing his gaze on Kaoru, Seimei exhales a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, relief filling his face. ]

I...should help you back to your home with the fabric...

Thank you. [he smiles and reaches out for one of the remaining pieces of fabric to fold]

[he hesitates, before bringing up something he had wanted to for a while]

...a week ago you said you might be able to help me with learning how to defend myself? Not that I'm planning on giving up my current training it's just... I wanted to know if the offer still stands.

Hm? Of course it does. Why would I ever recant? [ He asks, expression perplexed as he sets teh remaining fabric he'd been folding himself into a stack and lifts it up, checking the balance. Finding it acceptable, he rises with it and peers down at Kaoru. ]

I will teach you whatever you would like to learn, Kaoru. I may not be a master of the strange magic some of the people here wield, not may I be skilled with their weapons, but I am hardly harmless.
There are some things I would not be able to teach you in my time and world, however you said yourself that this world does not necessarily obey our concept of logic. Therefore I may even be able to impart techniques to you that would otherwise be unavailable.

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