Hilda (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ourlegends) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thebastion2014-05-16 12:55 am
ourlegends) wrote in thebastion2014-05-16 12:55 am
[day 186] you shoot me down, but I won't fall (closed)
Who: N and Hilda
Open: Closed
When: Day 186 - Night (After everyone is home from the Skyway Shenanigans)
Where: Their House (Pokemon Daycare)
What: Not every relationship is easy.
Format: Action Brackets
Warnings: Two very emotionally destroyed people and a lover's quarrel.
[ N had been gone for most of the day.
It worried Hilda, who had no idea where he had gone to. So, when he arrived back home, she was relieved. What she wasn't so relieved about was the state he was in. Ever since returning from wherever he had been all day, N had been barely responsive to her, even though she tried to talk to him.
With everything that had happened lately, Hilda had been blaming herself. For all of it. For not being strong enough to tell him about their world before this happened, for not being strong enough to be there for N, who was clearly not doing well ... for not being strong enough to take care of herself during all of this, too. The relationship she had with N was becoming even more fragile every day, and the tension between the two of them was thick.
She had to try to do something. She was afraid of losing him. She didn't want to lose him just because she was stupid and didn't talk to him when it needed to happen.
She sat next to him now, quiet for a long time.
Such a great start, Hilda thought to herself. She was already starting to beat herself up again. Finally, she reached out and tried to take his hand into her own. ]
N ...
Open: Closed
When: Day 186 - Night (After everyone is home from the Skyway Shenanigans)
Where: Their House (Pokemon Daycare)
What: Not every relationship is easy.
Format: Action Brackets
Warnings: Two very emotionally destroyed people and a lover's quarrel.
[ N had been gone for most of the day.
It worried Hilda, who had no idea where he had gone to. So, when he arrived back home, she was relieved. What she wasn't so relieved about was the state he was in. Ever since returning from wherever he had been all day, N had been barely responsive to her, even though she tried to talk to him.
With everything that had happened lately, Hilda had been blaming herself. For all of it. For not being strong enough to tell him about their world before this happened, for not being strong enough to be there for N, who was clearly not doing well ... for not being strong enough to take care of herself during all of this, too. The relationship she had with N was becoming even more fragile every day, and the tension between the two of them was thick.
She had to try to do something. She was afraid of losing him. She didn't want to lose him just because she was stupid and didn't talk to him when it needed to happen.
She sat next to him now, quiet for a long time.
Such a great start, Hilda thought to herself. She was already starting to beat herself up again. Finally, she reached out and tried to take his hand into her own. ]
N ...
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Having AZ and Colin there, watching as he simply fell to complete pieces before them, screaming and throwing toys in that mockery of a child's play room, howling at the walls at a man that was no longer there, crying for the days he lost as a child...
He was ashamed of his actions, but had no logical way to control such an explosion of emotion.
It had left him even more drained, painfully so, and the ache in his chest had yet to go away. It was that much more difficult to face Hilda upon his return with a few more eggs and yet another Pokemon in tow, and he had been outside on the porch overlooking the yard ever since.
When she touched his hand, he didn't move. Didn't react. He just kept staring. Staring in to nothing, but actually reliving far too many painful memories to recount.]
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Hilda had to wonder when she became so dependent on having him around.
She still wore the bangle he gave her on a chain around her neck, since it was far too big for her to wear on her wrist. With her free hand, she gently held it. She began to tremble. This was hard ... and terrifying. ]
I know I screwed up really bad. "I'm sorry" won't ever be enough ...
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Which just made this situation worse than it would have been months ago, or even before he had ever met her, when their lives weren't so tangled and twisted together.
Her words did get a response at last, though not the one she was likely expecting.]
I'm not mad about you not telling me, Hilda.
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[ Hilda's not sure if she believes him. Then again, she's been blaming herself over that for long enough at this point that she legitimately believes she screwed up and he's angry at her for it.
He says he's not, though.
Then ... is he mad at her for something else? ]
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So what is really bothering him? Why is he so distant lately?]
Why are you so intent on staying with a selfish person like me?
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Because I love you.
[ If he had asked her before, she probably would have had a slightly different answer. She loves him, though. She tries to make sure he knows that.
She doesn't even think he's all that selfish, really. He has his moments, but then, they all do. ]
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Loving me is a mistake, Hilda.
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Still, she can't leave it at this. ]
If it's a mistake, then it's one that I want to make.
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You know what he made me! You saw that room, you know what he intended me to be!
[His voice raises louder, startling and even frightening a few of the nearby Pokemon who could feel his rage and anger.]
When we found the Daycare Center, I didn't even care about the people who died in the Calamity! All that I cared about were the Pokemon! My father was right about me - I am a freak without a heart!
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Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to get the words out. For a long time, she's quiet, grasping for something, anything she could say to him. There are so many things she wants to say.
"Who he wanted you to be is not who you are."
"It's understandable you would feel that way since you were raised that way for so long."
"You have a heart. I know you do."
Those things, and so many others, were on her mind as possible things to say, but in her frustration, she couldn't seem to say them.
Her hands clench into fists, and she struggles to keep the tears welling in her eyes from falling.
This is frustrating. She feels horrible, he feels even worse, and she can't even bring herself to do anything but cry about it.
What happened to the hero he believed she was?
She isn't a hero. She's never thought of herself as one. Right now, she's just an upset teenage girl at the end of the world, and the love of her life just told her how she should feel. ]
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He has suffered multiple blows emotionally. He's had his ego built up, torn down, slowly pieced back together again only to have it kicked in the damn teeth by seeing that place again. There was so much his life could have been with his gift but the man that had crushed any hope of that between his fingers while watching a little boy suffer over emotions and pain that was not his own (until it became his own) no longer existed.
And by no longer existing, there was no way for N to see his life as anything but wasted. If he had the chance to speak those words to Ghetsis, maybe his righteous anger given voice would have been what it took to finally convince himself he was worth that love Hilda was so willing to give...
But that anger was still inside, stewing, twisting, crawling in to the dark spaces in his mind and taking shape as shadows and nightmares and constant doubt that he was ever going to be anything more than what he had been made in to.
Cold. Heartless. Caring only for creatures and not for the flesh and blood race that he himself was supposed to be a part of.
And beyond that?
A failure.
He could hear her sniffling behind him, and while something tugged at his chest, urged him in a tiny, frightened voice to do something for her... he didn't.
He wouldn't even turn around.]
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The worst thing about this is that she can't seem to find a way to fix it. Finally, she forces herself to speak again, her voice cracking with emotion as she does. ]
E-Even ... Even so ... I-I love you. I won't feel any way else, and telling me I shouldn't isn't going to change that at all.
[ There are so many things she can tell him about the kind of person she sees in him, but there's no way he will believe it. Not as he is right now. Maybe not ever.
No, all she can really say right now is how she feels, to reaffirm that for him. Even if he tells her she shouldn't love him, it won't change that she does. ]
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[She was already hurt. And yet he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. There was still that voice in his head, that tugging at his heart that told him this was wrong, this was wrong and he could fix it but--
But he couldn't. There was something left over from their trip to the castle that was blocking his heart, telling him that he was incapable of being the one to fix it.
He moved towards the door to the house then. He didn't know what was going to do - if he was just going to sleep or stare at the ceiling or what, but he knew that he couldn't stay there.]
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All she really knew at the moment was that her heart hurt, badly. If she went into the house, she might risk seeing him again, and she wasn't sure if she could handle that right now.
After a long time of sitting and crying, she tries to dry her tears. She stands up and starts heading toward the fenced-in field they had for the Pokemon. She makes her way over to Emboar, needing the comfort her friend could provide at the moment.
It doesn't take long for her to start crying again once she's with him. She would be staying here for the night. ]