Day 288

[polariity]

Who: The Helmsman and you
Open: Open
When: Day 288
Where: By the entrance to the Skyway
What: The Helmsman ventures out and comes back with some shinies he's heard so much about.
Format: Any
Warnings: The usual difficulties that come with chatting it up with him

Regardless of the tension that's flared up because of recent discussions, it seems as though the Helmsman's schedule hasn't changed particularly greatly. Today, just like every other day, he ventures outwards from the Tower. Unlike every other day, however, he doesn't venture off onto Dragonfield or wander about the Bastion or lay face down on the grass. Instead, when he shows up again, it's from the direction of the Skyway and a bruise blossoming on one side of his face.

And then he lays down on the grass where anyone could step on him.

At least it's not just laying, this time. Sparks of red and blue lift up tiny little shards for him to inspect curiously. For anyone in the area, he's not hard to miss.

Comments

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Having him close helps but his words make her wince a little. Safe is so relative. She was safe but alone and she wonders if he remembers the way it affected her. The quiet blankness of her room when she brought him back with nothing but black and green on the walls.

"I was safe." She promises. Just not the safe he wanted, the safe like they were when they were all together.

"I'm safe right now." She reaches for one of his hands, holds it tight in her own.

[polariity]

Her hands, so lukewarm against the heat of his own, and all he can do is stare down at them.

1m 20rry

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"Hey, it's okay. You don't need to be sorry."

Sorry for what, she should ask, but she's not sure what he needs more. The reassurance or the ability to spill his thoughts out. He'll figure it out.

[polariity]

Just the slightest shake of his head.

1m 4n 422h0l3

He always is, but for this, for her, he should have know. Should have snapped out of it sooner.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Oh wait--suddenly she can guess what's bothering him. She tugs on his hair a little, trying to get him to look up at her.

"Psii--Mituna? Will you look at me for a second?"

[polariity]

It's with a lot of reluctance that he finally pulls back enough, and even longer still until he can stare up at her from beneath his bangs. The self loathing is written all over his face- it's never been a big secret with him.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Slightly calloused fingertips trace along his features, over his forehead and skirting around his eyes. Down over his nose and lips. He's scarred but still beautiful. Still her Psiioniic.

"It's okay. I know you wouldn't have kept insisting things weren't real if you didn't believe it. And I know it was awful to dream of us and know it would never happen. I forgive you."

[polariity]

And here he'd thought he'd run out of tears to shed over the long sweeps, but there they are- thick and suffocating and pouring down his face as he breaks down at those three simple words. Shoulders shaking violently, he tries to duck his head down as if that can hide anything.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Disciple strokes his hair slowly and lets him cry. Maybe it will help. She just wants to wrap him up and dry all his tears but sometimes one needs to cry.

"I hope you know I don't blame you for it and I don't really...I just know you need to hear that sometimes?"

[polariity]

y0u f0r91v3 m3 f0r t00 much

The words float jagged and unsteady in the air as he tries to get his sobbing under control, his breath harsh and wet. Face still wet, he looks up at her.

why n0t y0u

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"I forgive you for exactly the right amount of things. The purrfect amount.

The pun is forced a little, like the ones she tried out when they rescued them, as if she's unsure if they will make things better or worse. Her hand stays curled in his hair as he looks up. She doesn't really want to let go.

"Why not me? Why not me what?"

[polariity]

He has to wheeze in air again to try and calm himself down, to make the words legible. It's hard- he doesn't want to concentrate, just wants to curl up on the ground and maybe blow something else up.

why n0t f0r91v3 y0ur23lf

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Her hands curl into his hair, pulling it with her grip before she realizes what she's doing and smooths it down. Shit--calm down. She lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"It's not...the same. I'm pretty sure you don't forgive yourself just because you forgive me."

[polariity]

There's no protest when she tugs at his hair- just the way he freezes up, jaw locking.

b3c4u23 th3r32 n0th1n9 t0 f0rg1v3

y0u d1d wh4t 1 42k3d

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Disciple bites her lip, curling her hand up and away from him. She should have been paying attention.

"Sorry."

Her eyes flick away, avoiding him as if that will make his words pierce her less. Logically, she knows. He wanted her to survive. She feels like there should be more to it though. She should have done more. Been more.

"I don't really think there was anything to forgive you for. I just...you needed it? And I'm okay with forgiving you for things you did when you weren't really ready to face the world as it was."

[polariity]

Even as she pulls away, however, he's curling in close to her again almost desperately. She's here. She's really here. He can't lose her again. He doesn't have anything or anyone else.

4nd
1t2 0k4y t0 63 2c4r3d
4nd run

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

And suddenly, she chokes on a sob. Scared? Had she been scared? In her mind, it had been cowardice to run for survival, it had been motivated by a desire to live, to keep them all alive in memory. Being afraid? Had she been afraid?

Sometimes, most times, she ignored fear. It wasn't relevant. She wasn't afraid to get hurt. Wasn't afraid of anything, except, it seemed, death. Maybe deep down that's why she couldn't forgive herself. All the times she said it was for them, what they wanted, wanted her to survive, she had known she had been a real coward. Scared.

"I'm not afraid to die," She lies, "I put myself in so many situations...I wanted to die for you all. To see you all be free, I would have..."

[polariity]

It's coming back to him. Slowly. How to talk with her again, what little things to pick up on. The only real thing blocking it all had been his own denial of reality. There'd been time, of course, but he's had time to be around her again.

With acceptance of his own situation, he can look at her with slightly clearer eyes and give a tired shake of his head.

1t2 0k4y t0 63 2c4r3d

A determined repeat.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Disciple glances back at him, biting her lip between pointed teeth. When he repeats it, her shoulders sag. She shrugs. Probably not the response he was hoping for.

"It was stupid. To be scared of death. I know we all have a very healthy and developed sense of survival, I mean, you have to. To grow up and live and not be killed as a grub. But I suppose...I suppawse I thought better of myself."

She reaches for his hand again, laces her fingers through his. It helps.

"Knowing you all wanted me to survive, to run, didn't make it easier. It didn't make me feel better. And it was really easy to forget. Like it was probably easy for you to forget. That I didn't hate you. That you didn't hate me."

[polariity]

Gently, the heat of the psinics thinly layered over his fingers start to fade away. All that's left are the bone thin of his hands and fingertips.

It's difficult to actually get them to work. After all, he's been relying on his psionics for nearly everything, refusing to figure out how to use his own body again or work it up to a functional level. But he tries, trembling and weak fingers doing their best to grip hers right back.

1 f0r91v3 y0u
n0t th4t 1 h4t3d y0u t0 2t4rt w1th

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

It's a little startling to feel him without the tingle of psionics, without the extra warmth. He feels cooler for a moment, before the heat of his blood makes up for it. His grip isn't firm and she finds herself being more gentle, as if she was hurting him.

"Psii..." She breathed out slowly, eyes closed for a moment. Of course he forgave her. Of course. She's ridiculous, she decides. Needing this confirmation so much. But it soothes her a little. The parts of her still bundled up in tension and guilt.

"Thank you."

[polariity]

In return, there's just a gurgling sort of noise that can't quite be words and he leans into her again. He's suddenly aware of just how exhausted he really is. Facing reality, it seems, takes a lot out of a troll.

Right now, all he wants to do is just lay against her.