Day 256 [Open]

[daughterofursa]

Who: Zuko and anyone
Open: Open!
When: Day 256, evening
Where: By the lake
What: A failure to meditate
Format: I'll match
Warnings: Honor

Zuko knows she's always been hard on herself, but she's never really considered it to be too hard. But some of the things people have been saying about her... Well, people in the Bastion have always expressed a more positive view of her than she thinks she deserves, and she always figured it was because they don't know what she's come from, but she's finally starting to wonder. Maybe the flawed perspective is her own.

Which is why she is attempting something else which, like positive thinking, she is not very good at: meditating. Whoever really wants to can find her by the lake, sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed and... definitely scowling more than she ought to be.

Comments

[twinked_witch]

"Spoken like one who is cautious about taking emotional risks. With what I've heard of your family, unsurprising... But it comes with costs all its own. No man or woman is an island, after all."

Megaera kept her quiet smile. "But neither does one change easily from one insight. I cannot dictate your path, after all - I only know what you've told me of your circumstances."

[daughterofursa]

Zuko squinted at her. That sounded a bit like her uncle there.

"Are you saying you think I should be more trusting?"

[twinked_witch]

"Somewhat. I would say, instead, that I'm asking what others could do to earn your trust. Which isn't as easy a measure, I know."

[daughterofursa]

"I'm usually asking that about myself."

What ould she do to get other people to trust her? That had been really hard for a while.

[twinked_witch]

"You worry about encouraging others to reach out to you, and in turn that makes it harder for you to reach out to others. Does that sound right?"

Megaera paused. "... Where I'm from, trust isn't the easiest thing either. At least, not for adventurers, especially not when you've occasionally got a wizard who specializes in the magic of lies, as it were. But it's perhaps more important. If you aren't sure someone has your back..."

[daughterofursa]

Zuko hadn't thought of it that way, but if she thought people couldn't trust her, there was no way she could trust them either.

"I don't worry about people having my back. Not in a fight." Just... in everything else, apparently.

[twinked_witch]

"You specified," Megaera said. "You worry about things besides war. Appropriate, when in a place like this. War alone does not create."

[daughterofursa]

"I guess... war is what I'm used to."

Her time in the Bastion was her only experience with peace times, if that was even what you could call this. It wasn't like there was anyone to really be at war with.

[twinked_witch]

"That... Rather explains it. Not knowing how to handle in peacetime for one stuck in war for a long time is... Sadly common. Especially in younger people who wound up stuck in that situation."

Megaera smiled a bit, not laughing. "It doesn't help that you've lost your best guides for how to continue, unless you get lucky somehow. But does that mean you're stuck on your own?"

[daughterofursa]

"Not exactly." She had friends here, but there was still a lot they didn't and couldn't know about where she was coming from.

"Do you think that's why it's harder? Most people around here don't know war. I never knew anyone who didn't before."

Come to think of it, the only people she'd spoken to who seemed as pessimistic as she was were ones who hadn't come from peacetime either.

[twinked_witch]

Megaera paused, thinking for a few seconds before continuing.

"I'd say so, yeah. Right now, I know of exactly two people who come from having spent a significant portion of their lives in wartime. I think I told you how I was a guardian of my world from the forces of the Abyss at some point, right?"

[daughterofursa]

Zuko nodded. "You fought against demons."

[twinked_witch]

"Yeah. The part I didn't mention was the sixty years part," Megaera admitted.

"Immortality and some other fancy stuff, all at costs no sane person would want to pay... Like being conscripted to eternally work, one way or another, to fight the destruction of the world."

She sighed a little. "So, yeah. A little different from what I know of your situation... But also not all that far away, either, in a key sense."

[daughterofursa]

"You don't look..." Well, of course she didn't look over sixty. But for all her time in the Bastion, Zuko hadn't had much experience (knowingly) with people who were considerably older than they appeared. Paarthurnax was a dragon, so him being thousands of years old was easier to swallow than this. This wasn't even like Aang and his 112 years.

Wait.

"Eternally?" She was supposed to be fighting forever?

[twinked_witch]

"Yup. Or at least that was what was supposed to happen. Then this happened. And actually, it's not true immortality - I don't age, but I can die. Still, it was attractive enough to pre-perspective me that I took it."

Megaera placed a hand along the ground. "So, yeah. That's me. Voluntarily stepped into a war, and only now getting out. Kind of awash and aimless, beyond the Shard runs. But I'm starting to figure out what I want, now. So, I'd ask you, simply: Do you have an idea of what you want?"

[daughterofursa]

"I wanted to lead my people." She knew that much with certainty. It was something she had wanted for years. "I'm not a leader here, but I'm doing the best I can."

Zuko hesitated. "At least, that's part of it." She was starting to realize that just contributing, just working as hard as she could for the survival of the Bastion, she was neglecting something. It wasn't everything that she needed or wanted for herself.

[twinked_witch]

"Hrm. Can I interpret that as saying, you haven't thought as much about what you desire for yourself? It's common for those who place others above themselves on a fundamental level to have that issue. Helping others becomes a way to escape. But, of course, you can only do so much before you wear yourself out... And then what is there?"

Megaera paused. "On the other hand, you can't take that as a call for selfishness. That's obviously not healthy either. It's a balance."

[daughterofursa]

"I haven't... really thought about it at all. I always figured I'd have my hands full being Fire Lord." Especially after the war. There would have been so much to do.

She didn't think she'd wear herself out. It wasn't in her vocabulary. But Megaera was right, she was out of balance.

[twinked_witch]

Megaera sighed, looking towards Zuko directly at that point. "Not true. You can't afford to be ruler and ruler only. It doesn't make for a good ruler, for one. Never mind the health concerns. And, of course, here, leadership's a much less organized thing."

[daughterofursa]

Zuko didn't return her look. She knew most other people had this figured out without even trying. They had hobbies and things they were passionate about, and she'd joined some of her friends in theirs, but she had a hard time enjoying them. Maybe because it was hard to enjoy something in the company of someone you disliked.

She had her bending, but it was so limited here as to feel stifling. It was part of who she was, and it was something she needed to express, but it wasn't a way to relax.

"So what do you do?" she asked Megaera.

[twinked_witch]

"... Honestly, not enough," Megaera admitted after a few seconds. "My studies, more than anything. Broadening and deeping my arcane understanding. Get all these powers, and can't even figure out fun uses for 'em..."

[daughterofursa]

"And you're lecturing me about having other interests?"

[twinked_witch]

"I'm fully aware of the irony. Mind, reading beyond just my studies was also a thing... When I could get those books. Which wasn't nearly as often."

Megaera sighed. "For a long time, though, I just... Really didn't have time to think of anything else. And now I've got too much of it, given Skyway runs are too wearying. I've gotta discover new things now..."

[daughterofursa]

"We have a library, but I'm not sure what language it's all in. The translation magic doesn't work on writing."

Zuko wasn't much of a reader herself, but in this world she was practically illiterate, and that was a little frustrating at times.

[twinked_witch]

"One of the only times my powers have the leg-up, it seems. I can read all of it naturally, since one of my abilities grants me an inherent understanding of language. Unfortunately, for me, it's natural enough that I wouldn't be able to really do proper academic linguistics on it... So I couldn't teach the language."

Megaera chuckled. "But that's still kind of a solitary thing. People are social, but I'm.. Not always so."