[Day 295] So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go [CLOSED]

[unwrittenformula]

Who: N and Hilda
Open: Closed
When: 295, Evening (Following this log)
Where: House of the Pokemon Daycare
What: A talk long since needed in the late hours of the day.
Format: Action
Warnings: Discussions of the adult kind (poor N...)


[The day had been long and productive for the daycare. The Pokemon were sufficiently worn out, as were their human caretakers. Once the "sun" had set on the floating island dinner for all became the priority. Fed and happy, the last slivers of light in the yellow sky found N and Zoroark resting in the living room alone.

A book in his hands, N read quietly, unsuspecting of any interruptions that might happen.]

Comments

[ourlegends]

[ It wasn't uncommon for Hilda to come and sit next to N on the couch whenever he was reading. It was nice to be around him. But ... tonight she'd decided she was just going to come right out with what's been on her mind for a little while.

And of course, this made her nervous. It was a sensitive subject, and one she wasn't even sure N himself knew all that much about.

So, as she sat next to him, she was understandably fidgety.

Very Fidgety.

Very. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[Fidgety was easy enough to ignore, at least in the short term. Once it kept going, though, it made focusing far more difficult. Gray eyes blinking, N finally looked up at her with a flat expression.] Is something wrong?

[ourlegends]

Not ... really.

[ There wasn't really anything wrong. It was just hard to talk about. ]

I'm trying to figure out how to put something into words.

[ At least she's not leaving him hanging with that first response. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[N blinked slowly at that, not really understanding what the problems was.]

... starting with words is usually a good way to go.

[N please.]

[ourlegends]

Words are good, yeah ...

[ Uhhh ... ]

... So, we've ... been together for a long time now ... and, um.

[ Oh no she's getting flustered. So flustered. UH. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[Breathe, Hilda.] Yes... ?

[ourlegends]

... Maybe we can ... take things a bit further? With us. I mean-- I, uh ...

[ Stammering, stammering, and blushing, and ... this is so freaking awkward. More awkward than she ever thought this conversation would beHOW CAN HE BE SO CALM RIGHT NOW THAT'S NOT MAKING THIS ANY EASIER ]

[unwrittenformula]

[She's also not making any sense to him.]

Take... what further? Take it where? You're not making any sense, Hilda.

[ourlegends]

[ Oh boy, he's not gonna make this easy. She kind of expected that. Hilda deflates a little against the couch, inching down so that she was about 7/10ths off of the couch. ]

... How much do you know about sex?

[ fgnfkngkfngskndkfn wait did she just ask that. Hilda's covering her face now. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[Of course he isn't.] Sex? It's a reproductive act between two genders. Why would you bring that up now? I thought we were discussing taking something somewhere.

[ourlegends]

[ FACEPALMING FOREVER ... but she did kind of expect this might happen. Her boyfriend was not very knowledgeable about things like this. ]

It's ... not just for reproduction. Not for humans, anyway.

[ this is so awkward ... Hilda pushed herself back up to a sitting position and tried to calm herself down enough to explain this. Clearly. So he could understand. ]

Many human couples, ah ... have sex ... for fun, you know? And I thought, maybe ... we've ... gotten really close, and maybe we could ... try it?

[ She is so bad at this. ]

That's ... kind of what I mean by ... taking things further.

[unwrittenformula]

[This is your boyfriend, Hilda. ... and said boyfriend might just... be trying to escape while she's not looking. Because this was not a conversation he was expecting to have. Ever. Sorry, Hilda. So sorry.]

[ourlegends]

[ He got quiet.

... She looked over.

And now she's giving him the "really? really?" expression. ]

We're not even going to talk about this?

[unwrittenformula]

[HE'S SORRY he just doesn't know how to handle this. At all. Like not even a tiny little bit. The look and the tone does get him to stop and sit back down, though, looking at his hands with face so red it goes to his ears.]

[ourlegends]

[ At least he stopped. At least he's not going to potentially hurt himself over this. Hilda sighs and deflates into the couch again. ]

Look, I can understand if you're not ready for any of this ... I just kind of wanted to break the ice on the whole subject and ... you know, at least get us thinking about it.

[unwrittenformula]

[He almost did, though. Dumbass.]

... I don't-- ... I've never... thought about this sort of thing before...

[What are words. How does he talk. What is even happening.]

[ourlegends]

[ she feels so bad now ... maybe this was a mistake. ]

Do you want to pretend I never said anything?

[ gonna go. hide under a rock. or something. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[He stays silent again, but this time not due to escape. He's merely thinking, trying to find phrases that don't sound like he's stumbling over every other word like an idiot. Eventually he shakes his head "no", though.] ... do you think it's... it's possible to be connected to another human being, while still not being... [Damn it. Words...] While not having physical attraction to them? [He loves Hilda. He is connected to her, deeply, and that's not something that is ever going to go away. But he has never once had thoughts of her in... that way. Or thought of anyone in that way. It's just not in his nature.]

[ourlegends]

[ It takes her a moment to take all of that in, but when she does, she nods, and manages a gentle smile at him. Her hand finds his and squeezes it reassuringly. ]

It's possible. And it's perfectly fine.

[unwrittenformula]

It is? [He doesn't move to take her hand back, too busy turning certain shades of red as he continues to fumble around sentences.] It's... something you want, though... [Does that mean he's too broken to be with her?]

[ourlegends]

[ Oh no, baby, ssshh, you're not broken. :c Hilda shrugs a little. ]

Well ... yeah, but I wouldn't want it to begin with if I wasn't so attracted to you. And, like ... attraction isn't necessarily purely physical. I love you for who you are, too.

It's because I care so much about you that I feel like I want to do that with you. But it's also because I care so much about you that I don't want to make you uncomfortable or force anything on you.

Really ... it's okay. I'm ... probably not missing much by not doing that anyway.

[unwrittenformula]

[So broken. :c]

I love you, too... more than I ever thought I was capable of loving another human...

[Which is... awkward to admit, but his upbringing accounts for a lot of how he sees the world and how he views those with whom he shares a common species.]

If it were... anyone else, I wouldn't even consider it...

[ourlegends]

I know.

[ And she blushes. It still made her happy to hear him say he loved her. ]

... It's okay, really. We love each other and that's really all that matters, right?

[unwrittenformula]

[N turned his hand up to hers finally, threading fingers together.] Yes.

[ourlegends]

[ She smiled at him, leaning against him a little and resting her head on his arm. ]

We don't have to have sex. It's enough that we love each other.

[ Sure, she wants to, but if it was going to make him uncomfortable then she could deal without it. ]

[unwrittenformula]

Isn't... being in a relationship about compromise and making the other person happy, though? [She keeps saying that, but he can't help but feel guilty. He has absolutely zero experience with the subject, not even a proper education about it, and yet knowing that she wants something he is completely blind to makes him want to at least try.]

[ourlegends]

Yeah ...

This is kind of something that we both have to be completely on board with, though. We'd both be in a pretty vulnerable position and all ...

[unwrittenformula]

[Vulnerable. That was a position N had been in for a long time now. Allowing himself to feel, to feel for other humans and to feel so deeply for one of them in particular. Allowing himself to be more than just the freak that could speak to Pokemon. Reminding himself that he still had a heart inside, even if Ghetsis said he didn't... N goes quiet at that, staring at the darkened floor in front of them.]

[ourlegends]

[ Hilda didn't know exactly what N was thinking about, but when he went quiet, she could look at him and take a good guess. She let go of his hand and gently wrapped her arms around him. She didn't say anything. She just hugged him. ]

[unwrittenformula]

I'm... sorry for trying to leave... [That might not have been the right thing to say at the moment, but it was all he could think of to break the silence after she hugged him.]

[ourlegends]

Mn ... We're both still figuring out this relationship stuff. I probably should have expected something like that to happen.

[unwrittenformula]

Y... you really shouldn't be so accepting of something like that. It's alright to get angry with me for making mistakes like that.

[ourlegends]

[ She blinks up at him, confused. ]

... But I'm not angry. You came back.

[ And then a smile. ]

Besides, if you actually did leave, you know I'd come find you.

[ Like when she went on her lifelong quest to find a Chia Pet back home. ]

[unwrittenformula]

[He loves you, Hilda, but that doesn't mean he always understands your way of thinking. In his mind that's the exact thing she should be angry about, especially considering it's happened before.]

... I still don't understand why you did such a thing. Logically speaking you had everything in place to become what you had set out to become from the start of your journey. Yet you threw away the formula and came after me instead.

[ourlegends]

[ ... Ah. He's talking about back then ...

Hilda shrugged a little. ]

Things change. I guess I just realized that you're more important than any of that.

[unwrittenformula]

Everything I heard growing up... made me believe that all people ever thought about was their journey, and becoming the champion of their region. It... surprises me to hear that a person - that I could be more important than that.

[ourlegends]

[ She's quiet for a while, then moves a little closer to him, to rest her head on his arm. ]

Some people are like that. Humans are a very diverse group, though, and there are many different types of people with different personalities, just like Pokemon. At first, all I wanted to do with my journey was to train Pokemon and become the champion, but ...

I found that there's a lot more to life than just being a champion. I don't need to be a champion. I do need you, though.

[unwrittenformula]

Even with... everything that I've done wrong?

[ourlegends]

Mhm. Even with that. I need you more than I need anyone else.

[unwrittenformula]

[He was always going to have his doubts. That's just how his brain worked, after so many years of being conditioned by Ghetsis to believe that his purpose was for Pokemon and Pokemon alone. But... he managed a smile at that, tiny and uncertain but genuine none the less.]

[ourlegends]

[ Some part of her understood that, however frustrating it was. She'd continue to remind him that she needed him, though. ]